A couple of weeks ago I interviewed New York Times best selling author Rachel Simmons The Wise about her new book: The Curse of The Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls With Courage and Confidence. Great read and highly recommended, The Curse of the Good Girl lays open the dilemma many girls and women have when it comes to standing up for ourselves while clinging to our precious reputations for being "nice." Which explains why we rarely go the distance and cross the line into authenticity.
Moms often engage in meta-conversations with their daughters (i.e., Mom says one thing and a fingertip below the surface churns the unspoken message). With all that doublespeak how can a girl learn to be authentic and express the truth of her heart? Not very easily. And it isn't just moms and daughters. As Rachel Simmons put it, no matter who you're talking to "... there's always a meta-conversation going on."
Here are some oh, so common examples from the parent-teen relationship:
Parent: Oh, you're still on the phone.
Meta-message: I just know you won't get your homework done tonight and then what? You think I enjoy nagging you? Well, I don't! But if I don't stay on your case how are you ever going to get into a decent college?
Mini meta-message: You're lazy and I'm disappointed in you.
Parent: Don't you think your other jeans would look better with that top?
Meta-message: Those jeans are too tight and too low cut. They make you look fat and slutty. What will Grandma say when she sees you wearing those? She's going to think I'm a bad mother to let you dress like that!
Mini meta-message: You're fat and you embarrass me.
Parent: How's Janie these days?
Meta-message: Are you two still friends? Did you hurt her feelings or do something to make her mad? Are you now hanging out with people I should be worried about? (Sigh) You and I used to be so close. Now you don't tell me anything. What else are you hiding from me? I'm not sure I even want to know!
Mini meta-message: You're not a good friend and I don't trust you.
I'd never heard anyone describe this concept so clearly, so I've been thinking a lot about meta-conversations. Whether these messages are conscious or not, established communication patterns between people often determine who we like to hang out with and who doesn't make our "favorites" list.
Early this morning me and my dog Josie snuck out of the house before anyone else was awake. We headed for the nearby hills and because Josie's only 8 months old and full of beans I let her off-leash. She instantly vanished through the trees tracking deer and squirrels and nosing the underbrush for any ticks who might be thumbing for a ride. While Josie was gone I walked on, enjoying the quiet light and the colors. Every so often I'd whistle for her and she'd reappear. Sometimes from behind me on the trail. Sometimes from way ahead. We'd smile at each other and wag our tails. "Yes! Good dog!" Then I'd give her a treat. After each reunion she'd take off again and I continued hiking.
So it went for an hour or so. When I finally put her back on leash I thought about our meta-conversation and why she happily kept coming back to me. The way I figure, it comes down to this... each of us, dog or human, prefers to hang with people who tell us we are good dogs.
It also help if they give us treats.
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